Coping with Grief — How Can You Overcome Chronic Mourning?
Millions have been left with complex bereavement disorder during the pandemic. Our experts explore the condition and provide tips on how to manage the symptoms.
Grief is a normal response to tragic events. But if someone remains in a constant state of pain and cannot resume their normal life — as if they are stuck emotionally in the moment they first heard the news — they may be suffering from complicated grief1 (CG).
Sadly, the isolation and fear surrounding deaths during the pandemic is causing more people to develop complicated grief. For example, recent research found symptoms of prolonged grief in nearly 38% of pandemic-bereaved people in China. That number is almost four times the typical rate of around 10%.
Complicated grief exacerbates suicidality, substance misuse, depression and anxiety. It can also lead to inflammation, cardiovascular disease and a heightened risk of infections. At Paracelsus Recovery, we have seen a marked increase in cases, here we take a deeper look at the issue and offer some support to those struggling with it.
What is Complicated Grief?
Grief — in all its forms — is one of the most painful experiences humans endure. But most people, although they will never forget a loved one, eventually find a way to integrate the loss into their lives.
Complicated grief occurs when you are in a constant, heightened state of mourning for twelve or more months. Someone struggling with complicated grief is incapacitated by their pain. They will be unable to focus on anything except their deep sense of loss.
In Scientific American, psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor compares it to healing a broken leg. For the vast majority, rest and a plaster cast will lead to a full recovery. But for a small number of people, complications such an infection or a secondary trauma will require more intensive interventions. The same goes for grief, occasionally you will need more help to overcome it.
Here are the signs and symptoms of CG to look out for if you are worried you, or a friend or relative, may be suffering from it:
- Immense pain and sadness for more than a year.
- An inability to accept the death or incorporate it into your life.
- Continuously thinking about your loss.
- Fixating on anything that reminds you of the loved one. Or, conversely, avoiding all reminders.
- Persistent longing for your loved one to return which can manifest as intense physical pain.
- A feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose without your loved one.
- An inability to reflect back on positive experiences with your loved one.
- A belief that you did something wrong or could have prevented their death.
- A wish you had died with them.
In the first few months after a loss, signs of complicated grief and normal grief will overlap, they are all part of the grieving process during this time. But when these symptoms continue or worsen, that could be a sign of a prolonged grief disorder.
How Does Complicated Grief Differ from Depression?
The symptoms of complicated grief and depression often look very similar, and the death of someone you love can lead to a depressive episode.
However there are differences, most notably, the root cause of each condition. Depression stems from chemical imbalances in the brain, whereas complicated grief is caused by the death of someone close to you.
The behaviours they lead to are also subtly different. As Sigmund Freud — the founder of psychoanalytic thought — put it in his text Mourning and Melancholia (1917), “The melancholic displays something else besides which is lacking in mourning — an extraordinary diminution in his self-regard.”
In other words, someone suffering from depression will usually show signs of dangerously low self-worth, bordering on self-hatred. Someone experiencing complicated grief may suffer from fits of rage or anger at their situation, but they will not have the same degree of self-contempt.
Why is the Pandemic Making Us More Likely to Develop Chronic Grief?
The circumstances surrounding a death influence how likely it is you will suffer from complicated grief. There are three forms of grief that increase the chances CG will occur, all of which have been exacerbated by the pandemic:
· Delayed Grief is an unconscious postponement of a normal grief reaction until a later time.
· Traumatic Grief occurs when someone dies very suddenly, painfully or before their time.
· Disenfranchised Grief occurs when a grieving person feels they cannot openly acknowledge the loss because of real or imagined pressures.
Many people who have lost someone in the past couple of years, will have experienced one or more of these types of grief.
For instance, someone self-isolating who could only attend the funeral of a close relative on Zoom. This is painful both because of the loss and because the abnormal situation prevented them from accessing the comfort and togetherness of an in-person funeral and wake. They have also experienced this all in one place, usually at home removed from the reality of the loss, making it harder to process.
In many cases painful losses that happened during lockdowns are being felt more sharply now as people return to normality and notice a missing place at the dinner table or an empty chair in the office.
Three Strategies for Dealing with Complicated Grief:
1. Focus on Accepting and Managing the Pain, Not Moving on.
When you lose someone you love, there is often a sense that you need to move on. But that can cause a range of unhelpful feelings including fear, resentment and anxiety that your loved one is being forgotten.
Rather than moving on, focus on managing the pain. Try to accept that you will always miss this person, but the spaces between each period of mourning can and will increase. What was once constant longing will change into a mixture of days when you feel like you can live again and moments when you will be hit by the mourning process and knocked back for a while. Those days will then become weeks, then years, and so on.
2. Look After Yourself.
Cultivate healthy rituals or habits that you can rely on when the grief returns.
When you are grieving basic self-care can seem meaningless, but putting some coping mechanisms in place and taking care of yourself, even in very small and simple ways, is important. While self-care includes asking for help and relying on others, it also means focusing on sleep, nutrition and exercise.
Create a calming bedtime routine, set a target to cook yourself one healthy meal a day and schedule a regular walk with a friend. Try to do everything you can to keep yourself healthy.
3. Listen to Your Body.
If you are struggling with complicated grief, listen to your body. Give it whatever it needs, which will most likely be rest. Of course getting rest is not easy when you are dealing with the emotions of grief. If you are struggling to give your body what it needs, or figure out what it is saying, meditation or yoga can help strengthen the mind-body connection.
Finally, above all else, if you are consumed by grief and can see no way out, seek professional support. Psychotherapy is one of the most effective strategies for helping you get to the other side of complicated grief. A therapist can help you understand what you are experiencing, explore your emotions, and develop ways of managing them.
In some cases, if CG is causing you to lose sleep or struggle with anxiety, antidepressants or sleep medications may also be helpful. If you are experiencing any symptoms or thoughts of suicide, contact your family GP, a treatment centre or go to your local emergency room as soon as possible. Grief is a terrible thing, but healing is possible.
Paracelsus Recovery
If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one, we can help. At Paracelsus Recovery, our treatment ideology is grounded in our core principles of empathy, pragmatism and care.
We work exclusively with ultra-high-net-worth (UHNW) individuals whose mental health challenges often go unnoticed due to the misconception that financial security ensures mental stability. We only treat one client at any given time and provide the strictest confidentiality. Our international team of highly qualified professionals will be available to give you around-the-clock support, seven days a week.
We recognise that the pandemic has been a difficult time for many UHNW individuals. Because we are a treatment centre, we can stay open during Covid restrictions to support our clients. Alternatively, we can send our team to you and/or provide a fully virtual treatment programme.
To find out more, please follow us on Twitter or contact us directly at info@paracelsus-recovery.com.
To know more, please follow us on Twitter or contact us directly to info@paracelsus-recovery.com
Paracelsus Recovery
Utoquai 43 | 8008 Zurich | Switzerland
T. +41 52 222 88 00
- Also known as abnormal grief, chronic grief, complicated grief disorder, exaggerated grief, pathological grief, prolonged grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder.
